Greek FA sue FIFA $2.4 billion for failed World Cup bid, asks for cheque payable to Christine Lagarde

The Greek Football Association will sue FIFA for billions of dollars for systematic failures, according to a local sports blogger, with the money being deposited straight into the World Bank and the European Central Bank.

‘They are claiming that in the 2010 World Cup Qualifying match between Greece and Romania, the referee incorrectly awarded a goal kick which the latest technology now shows should have been given as a corner. This, the FA state, robbed them of a clear goal scoring opportunity, so missing out on the opportunity to take a 2-1 lead in the crucial qualifier. Admittedly, they did actually finish second in the group and therefore made it to South Africa without any need of a play-off, but are suggesting that this lower position led to missed sponsorship opportunities of $3.8 billion. They also say that they discussed bidding for the 2018 World Cup in a joint claim with neighbouring Albania and Bulgaria. As shown by legal documents, it was item 6 on the Agenda at the 5th September 2009 weekly FA meeting, and was discussed for 7 minutes. During this time a number of biscuits were eaten and a flip chart was prepared (though not actually used). As it has now been suggested that the awards for the 2018 World Cup may have been rigged through the use of bribes and backhanders, the FA are now are asking for $2.4 billion in compensation from FIFA for the expense of this bid to be payable by Monday night at the latest. If they can’t get it by this time then they will settle for 250 drachma’s in a brown paper bag in the locker 2C in Larissa train station in Athens.’

Luis Suarez ‘is really a Facebook experiment to manipulate users emotions’

Disgraced Urugarian footballer Luis Suarez is actually a massive psychological experiment conducted by Facebook and Harvard University. A paper in the journal ‘Behavioural Studies and Morality’ explains how the social media giants created the South American superstar to see the effects of positive and negative stories on Facebook users status updates. A researcher explained ‘We wanted to test our theory that people respond to good news with positive status updates and vice versa. Hence we created a cultural icon who oscilates between two forms of extreme behaviour and monitored the results on Facebook. What surprised us the most, however, was that there was no relation between Luis breaching the cultural norms of society and subsequently experiencing rejection. Quite the opposite in fact. For example, we programmed him to racially abuse a fellow sportsman, and he found his image adorning t-shirts that were worn by his peers. Then we made him bite an opponent for the second time and within a year he was given a massive pay rise. Subsequently, there was a third biting incident which we blamed on gravity and Photoshop, and suddenly he is wanted by one of the most popular football clubs in the world. Most peculiar. It really has confounded all our theories on modern society.’

Musicians gather at Glastonbury to watch young ladies in denim shorts

    Musicians, DJs, and rappers have been enjoying their yearly pilgrimage to a field outside Glastonbury to watch hundreds of young, attractive ladies in denim shorts. Kasabain, 4 friends who travelled down together from Leicester, told a local reporter how they were inspired to make the trip after last year’s coverage in the Daily Telegraph ‘Their front page featured Emily and Polly, 2 young ladies in denim shorts carrying a bag together, and I thought ‘wow, what a festival’. And they weren’t even headlining! That was, according to the Daily Mail’s front page, 4 attractive young ladies in denim shorts who were laughing while carrying rucksacks that were slightly too big for them.’ When asked if the notorious British weather has spoilt it for them, a grinning Tom said ‘Of course not, it means I get to see attractive young ladies in denim shorts wearing see-through ponchos by the Pyramid Stage, who were heavily featured in The Times.’

‘Socialist Worker’ World Cup wallchart disappoints young boy

Latest World Cup News

Russian manager – ‘Would it be really cheeky to pick someone from the Crimea? It may be too soon for some but I have to start planning for Euro 2016 qualification.’

FIFA use ‘Hearts and Minds’ approach to defend Qatar World Cup award – ‘Over 500 poor Indian migrants have died building these facilities. How would their families feel if those stadiums never hosted a match?’

Organisers deny stadium shaped like an actual white elephant will become a metaphorical white elephant.

New report suggests the trade in illicit Panini World Cup stickers is now worth more than £10 billion, leading to an endemic gang culture with own it’s language (‘packing a piece’ means ‘I`ve got 3 Joe Harts’), insignia (a teardrop tattoo meaning ‘I`m having trouble getting Nigeria’s reserve left back’) and music culture (in the hip-hop song ‘Straight Outta Compton’, Ice Cube raps that he only needs to get the Canadian holding midfielder Compton Smith to complete all the teams in Group C, only to be told by Easy E that he had it the other day but swapped it with Dr Dre for Steve Hodge).

Samba-loving beach partying Brazilians will use World Cup to challenge stereotypes

‘There’s far more to Brazil than most people realise’ said Carla de Faria, the Secretary of State for Tourism and Investment as I interviewed her in Rio. ‘We’ve got Michelin-starred restaurants, world-class museums, great hiking, and we hope that the World Cup will provide an opportunity for people to discover it for themselves.’ Mrs de Faria, who was born in the middle-class district of Rocha, which is only 10 miles from poverty-stricken favelas where street kids dream of becoming the next Pele, went on to say ‘For example, the Sao Paolo Museum of Modern Art is currently running a new reading of the curator Paulo Herkenhoff which features, amongst others, works by Mary Vieira, Alberto Teixeira, and Raul Porto, as well as an oil on canvas by Leopoldo Raimo and two works by Maurício Nogueira.’ I gazed past her, and saw local Cariocas flirting and enjoying a Caiprinha in a beach-side bar. The politician, who was educated at Oxford and Harvard and was clearly wearing nothing but a candy-floss bikini under her Chanel suit, unfortunately had to cut the conversation short. ‘I’m expecting the vice-President of Deutsche Bank here in 30 minutes and I have to prepare my presentation’ she said apologetically. As I left and drove to the airport, I felt great joy at having met my very own ‘Girl From Ipanema’.

Outrage as secret footage shows One Direction members voting Lib Dems

Parents, charities, and pressure groups have expressed shock at a recently released video which shows Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson sitting in the back of a tour van using a postal vote for the Liberal Democrats.

Believed to be shot outside Bournemouth, the 2 members of the popular boy-band can be seen passing round the voting form and ticking the box next to Margaret Johnson, the Lib Dem Councillor for Richmond South. Louis narrates from behind the camera, saying ‘What do you make of that?’, whilst Zayn replies ‘Very controversial’. The van then drives past a UKIP poster, at which point Zayn holds the form to the window and shouts ‘One-nil baby!’.

Although it’s not technically illegal to vote for the Liberal Democrats in the South of England for personal reasons, the footage has caused widespread concern. A worried fan tweeted ‘I love you boys so much but I really thought you would have more concern for our open borders #thinkofthechildren’. A Netmums spokesperson said ‘As rolemodels to the next generation, they need to show more restraint. Perhaps they could do some voluntary work with charities that are dealing with the effects of the coalition Government’s cut-backs.’

However, a media consultant has suggested it was deliberately released and is in fact part of a re-branding for the group. ‘It is well known that the tween demographic is heavily in favour of leaving the EU and of a flat-level income tax of 30%, which of course makes them lean towards Nigel Farage’s UKIP. By showing support for the Lib Dems, the band are positioning themselves more towards the mid-to-late 20’s cohort, who are naturally more sympathetic towards Nick Clegg’s party. It is similar in many ways to Bob Dylan playing electric guitar at the Newport Folk Festival in 1965.’

Arsenal shareholder Alisher Usmanov asks Government to ban him from entering England

Hours after Arsenal’s disastrous defeat to Everton, their major shareholder and Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov has called on the Foreign Office to act courageously and ban him from entering the country as a warning to Vladimar Putin. He said ‘The Government in England needs to send a message to Putin that his actions in the Ukraine are completely unacceptable. The best way to do this is to ban Russians such as myself from being anywhere near London. It’s not too much to ask is it, surely? Just from now until pre-season friendlies start again in July. I really won’t mind, honestly, I can go to a nice Caribbean island where they don’t have Sky Sports. Please do this for people in the Ukraine. And for goodness sake make sure it happens before the FA Cup Semi-Final on Saturday. ‘