Global Race won by school caretaker

Despite spending millions reforming the British education system, research released today from the UN shows that the global race was won by the slightly unsettling school caretaker, with Singapore second and Latvia third. In a move that delighted local children, he glued his egg to the spoon and set off on a slightly knock-kneed manner which made his breaking of the tape in under 25 seconds both unsurprising and a genuine breakthrough.

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