Obama makes offer to Putin ‘Withdraw from Ukraine & you can use my brother’s soda stream, sit in the front seat when my dad drives us to Laser Quest & you can come along when we try to get into a “15” rated film’

Details have emerged of the phone call Obama had with Putin on Sunday night after Russia invaded the Ukraine. The President pulled out all the stops to overt war, offering his counterpart the opportunity to join computer club without having to pay the 50p subs, as well as the chance to sit with him, President Hollande and Prime Minister Rajoy on the back seat of the coach and have first pick on ‘Top Trumps’ when they go to the World Trade Organisation summit in Cancun. He also said that he could come round to his house for supper followed by a game of ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ on ANY day of the week, although he did add that Putin would have to leave by 8pm as he has to have a bath before going to bed. The Russian Premier was fine with this as his dad doesn’t like him to be out when it’s dark.

White House aids have been quick to defend accusations that the President should take a more hard-line response, with a spokesperson saying ‘Some House Republicans have suggested that we should send the 5th Fleet through the Bosphorus so that the 800 Division of the Navy Seals can be within striking distance of the Ukraine. To that, I would say that when the President offered Mr Putin first pick of any of David Cameron’s Panini football stickers, the Russian Premier replied ‘Any? Really? Even the shiny Liverpool badge?’ I think we will see a change in approach from the Russian military very soon.’

However, over the last few hours it seems that American optimism may be a little misplaced. A military researcher from the Brookings Institute said ‘Talks were advancing well until Mr Obama invited Mr Putin round on Sunday night to listen to the Top 40 chart countdown on Radio 1. Unfortunately, the President is a little protective of his new Hi-Fi, as it is his birthday and Christmas present for the next 2 years, and he told Mr Putin not to touch the CD player or fiddle with the graphic equaliser. This went down badly, and I fear it has led to the massing of tanks from 4th Guards Kantemirovskaya Division on the Crimean border.’

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