Police hunt @actonbell, @ellisbell for trolling @realcharlesdickens, @monsieurvictorhugo & @charlydarwin4real

A local police spokesperson said ‘We are investigating 3 women, possibly related, probably from the Hathersage area of Yorkshire, who have been causing havoc on the internet using the twitter handles @actonbell, @ellisbell and @currerbell. Their standard approach is to send a slightly mocking tweet to a well-know celebratory. If they respond, they are bombarded with tweets in order to make them loose their cool, which are then re-tweeted for maximum embarrassment. For example, @ellisbell tweeted Victor Hugo ‘Les miserables? Know the feeling mate.#BanBoringFrenchies’. He unfortunately replied, at which point @actonbell tweeted a made-up poll which showed that 73% of people think the ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame’ is autobiographical, and @currerbell tweeted a fake Huffington Post listicle entitled ‘9 Reasons Why Alexandre Dumas Outshines Victor Hugo’. His responses have unfortunately been read far and wide. You know, it’s amazing how a Frenchman can express himself in only 144 characters.  But he’s not the only one. Giuseppe Verdi (@soulboy69) was reducing to a quivering wreck and Richard Wagner (@theboss) has promised never to perform in England again. There’s been unfavourable changes to the Wikipedia page of George Elliot from @ellisbell, zero star reviews and snide comments on the Amazon page of ‘Pride and Prejudice’ from @currerbell, and you know that photoshopped picture of JMW Turner in an uncompromising position with Queen Victoria and Edgar Allan Poe that went viral a few weeks ago? It originated from @actonbell. And you do not want to see the twitter pic @ellisbell sent to @johnruskin. I can’t get it out of my head.’

Albert Camus ‘Neknominated Simone de Beauvoir to down a pint of Stella on the Champs-Elysees wearing only a bathing costume’

A local researcher explained today that ‘New papers found in Normandy reveal that the drinking game neknominate was invented by the French existentialist philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre to prove that man is condemned to be free and faces a sense of disorientation and confusion in the face of a meaningless world. To confirm this view, he challenged Albert Camus to drink 3 litres of Kronenbourg whilst wearing a tutu in the Cafe de la Nouvella Mairie. Camus was delighted, feeling that this showed the power of dualism in the Absurd, and that only by humiliating himself in his regular drinking establishment could he begin to feel truly happy. He then asked Simone de Beauvoir to drink a similar amount of alcohol on the most famous street in Paris wearing only a red swimsuit. She took up the challenge, believing it would prove that a woman is as capable in choice as a man, and can therefore reach transcendence, where you take responsibility for yourself and the world and where one chooses freedom. However, here the game reached a stumbling block. Attempts to neknominate Ernest Hemingway were quite literally torpedoed by the German U-Boat blockade of the Atlantic. George Orwell responded to his challenge by disdainfully suggesting the game was both a cause and a symptom of the growth of Nazi totalitarianism in French society. It finally petered out when Stalin tried to blame the death of Trotsky in Mexico on a neknominate prank from Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn which went badly wrong.’

Emily Bronte ‘disappointed had to pose in underwear to promote sister’s new book’

Excited researchers from Bradford University have been digesting newly-found diaries by Emily Bronte. According to one academic ‘She was very happy to feature in GQ magazine along with Anne and Charlotte to help promote The Tenant of Wildfell Hall. However, she had mixed feelings about the front cover, which featured the 3 of them tending a roaring fire at the Parsonage wearing only high heels and a corset from Queen Victoria’s Secrets. ‘It pains me greatly that rather than baring my soul with the written word I have to bare my flesh for the wandering eyes.’ she wrote, but she also understood the context, and expressed a wish that future generations of female artists would not have to do something similar, being judged only on their abilities. ‘But I do love my sisters and nothing would please me more than for Anne to feel the uplifting power and grace that comes from feeling ones being has been truly expressed and respected. However I pray that all my sisters in the future, my sisters yet to come, will not have to suffer the same indignation and will be seen and viewed as equal to and by their male brethren.’. Although later on she did write that she hoped John Ruskin had seen the pictures and would look at her in a new light.