Street magician Fabio able to walk down the High Street without being hassled

The American street magician, card shark and endurance artist Diego Fabio shocked local audiences today with a breath-taking display of mind control. A pass-by said ‘He started here, where Primark is, and he walked to Boots over there, and not once did he loose his cool, throttle someone, or question long-held assumptions about the origins of life. First of all someone from ‘Water Aid’ approached and asked if he is upset about starving children in India having dirty water to play in, and he just nodded his head sagely. Then a slightly over-enthusiastic ‘Big Issue’ seller entered his personal space and he was able to hand over some change without breaking his stride. He just walked past the really loud drummer without feeling the need to grab him by the throat, shake him and ask what he’s doing with his life. He looked at the ‘Help For Heroes’ stall and didn’t ask them whether people fighting pointless wars for no obvious gain in places no-one has heard of really are heroes. Some Jehovah’s Witness were handing out leaflets explaining how God created the world and how He will lead us all to redemption, and not once did Fabio feel the need to articulate his long-held views on the Big Bang. Finally, he managed to avoid the guy with the clipboard with a beautiful, deft little shuffle. He was able to go into Boots with his head held high and he looked like he was actually enjoying walking around town. What a guy.’

Community under threat as Starbucks, Frankie & Benny’s risk being turned into e-cigarette shops

Local representatives have warned about the threat to services and community cohesion as many of the shops and facilities in the area risk being turned into e-cigarette vendors. A local man, who was collecting money on the high street to support his local Tesco’s, said ‘We’ve got a great little community here, some great shops, over there we’ve got a Bella Italia, Yates’s and TK Maxx, next to that a Ladbrokes. But we’re coming under threat from these e-cigarette shops. Yeh dig deep love, it’s for a good cause. Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, they just come in and take over without thinking about the effect on us local people. What would we do on a Bank Holiday if there’s not a DFS Sofas round here? And if they dare to threaten our local Cash Converters, well that’s a red line as far as I’m concerned.’

Police hunt @actonbell, @ellisbell for trolling @realcharlesdickens, @monsieurvictorhugo & @charlydarwin4real

A local police spokesperson said ‘We are investigating 3 women, possibly related, probably from the Hathersage area of Yorkshire, who have been causing havoc on the internet using the twitter handles @actonbell, @ellisbell and @currerbell. Their standard approach is to send a slightly mocking tweet to a well-know celebratory. If they respond, they are bombarded with tweets in order to make them loose their cool, which are then re-tweeted for maximum embarrassment. For example, @ellisbell tweeted Victor Hugo ‘Les miserables? Know the feeling mate.#BanBoringFrenchies’. He unfortunately replied, at which point @actonbell tweeted a made-up poll which showed that 73% of people think the ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame’ is autobiographical, and @currerbell tweeted a fake Huffington Post listicle entitled ‘9 Reasons Why Alexandre Dumas Outshines Victor Hugo’. His responses have unfortunately been read far and wide. You know, it’s amazing how a Frenchman can express himself in only 144 characters.  But he’s not the only one. Giuseppe Verdi (@soulboy69) was reducing to a quivering wreck and Richard Wagner (@theboss) has promised never to perform in England again. There’s been unfavourable changes to the Wikipedia page of George Elliot from @ellisbell, zero star reviews and snide comments on the Amazon page of ‘Pride and Prejudice’ from @currerbell, and you know that photoshopped picture of JMW Turner in an uncompromising position with Queen Victoria and Edgar Allan Poe that went viral a few weeks ago? It originated from @actonbell. And you do not want to see the twitter pic @ellisbell sent to @johnruskin. I can’t get it out of my head.’

Man on mobile phone enters 4th dimension

Local man Edward Spelling entered the 4th Dimension today during a particularly intense mobile phone call. ‘I was trying to sort out the plumber, and there were loads of stupid details to get through, then suddenly when I ended the call I looked up and realised I had slipped through a gap in the space-time continuum. Suddenly I’m in the 4th Dimension. Got no idea how I ended up here’. He won’t return until the start of the new series of ‘Breaking Bad’ on Sky Atlantic.

Disappointing Sales At Local Jazz/Book/Comic shop

Michael Burrows, 58, the owner of a local independent music shop faced disappointing sales news this week when his shop was discovered by a group of Japanese students and he had to sell his treasured copy of ‘Kind Of Blue’ (first edition). He was looking forward to an afternoon spent playing free-form jazz records slightly too loudly and rearranging the Doris Lessing books into 3 different places when his emporium was discovered by the foreign students. Despite  co-owner David Hampton spending 35 minutes in the backroom ‘making a really good brew and some cheese on toast to see us through the afternoon’, the comic-book obsessed freshers were still able to spend half their student loans in one afternoon.