Musicians gather at Glastonbury to watch young ladies in denim shorts

    Musicians, DJs, and rappers have been enjoying their yearly pilgrimage to a field outside Glastonbury to watch hundreds of young, attractive ladies in denim shorts. Kasabain, 4 friends who travelled down together from Leicester, told a local reporter how they were inspired to make the trip after last year’s coverage in the Daily Telegraph ‘Their front page featured Emily and Polly, 2 young ladies in denim shorts carrying a bag together, and I thought ‘wow, what a festival’. And they weren’t even headlining! That was, according to the Daily Mail’s front page, 4 attractive young ladies in denim shorts who were laughing while carrying rucksacks that were slightly too big for them.’ When asked if the notorious British weather has spoilt it for them, a grinning Tom said ‘Of course not, it means I get to see attractive young ladies in denim shorts wearing see-through ponchos by the Pyramid Stage, who were heavily featured in The Times.’

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Outrage as secret footage shows One Direction members voting Lib Dems

Parents, charities, and pressure groups have expressed shock at a recently released video which shows Zayn Malik and Louis Tomlinson sitting in the back of a tour van using a postal vote for the Liberal Democrats.

Believed to be shot outside Bournemouth, the 2 members of the popular boy-band can be seen passing round the voting form and ticking the box next to Margaret Johnson, the Lib Dem Councillor for Richmond South. Louis narrates from behind the camera, saying ‘What do you make of that?’, whilst Zayn replies ‘Very controversial’. The van then drives past a UKIP poster, at which point Zayn holds the form to the window and shouts ‘One-nil baby!’.

Although it’s not technically illegal to vote for the Liberal Democrats in the South of England for personal reasons, the footage has caused widespread concern. A worried fan tweeted ‘I love you boys so much but I really thought you would have more concern for our open borders #thinkofthechildren’. A Netmums spokesperson said ‘As rolemodels to the next generation, they need to show more restraint. Perhaps they could do some voluntary work with charities that are dealing with the effects of the coalition Government’s cut-backs.’

However, a media consultant has suggested it was deliberately released and is in fact part of a re-branding for the group. ‘It is well known that the tween demographic is heavily in favour of leaving the EU and of a flat-level income tax of 30%, which of course makes them lean towards Nigel Farage’s UKIP. By showing support for the Lib Dems, the band are positioning themselves more towards the mid-to-late 20’s cohort, who are naturally more sympathetic towards Nick Clegg’s party. It is similar in many ways to Bob Dylan playing electric guitar at the Newport Folk Festival in 1965.’

Federal report – ‘Dangerous levels of twerking at Jean Michel Jarre’s Concert in Houston’

A recently declassified Federal document from 1986 has given new insights into the Regan Administration’s concern about corruption of the nation’s youth by French avant-garde musical pioneer Jean Michel Jarre. It says ‘Anecdotal evidence and eye-witness reports suggest that there were severe breakdowns of morality at the recent ‘Rendez-vous Houston: A City in Concert’. The attending crowd, many of whom were under the age of 21, had already expressed delight in a number of disturbing physical ways during Oxygene Part 1 and Equinoxe Part 5 . However, it was upon hearing the opening bars of Rendez-Vous 3 that field agents reported seeing a type of dancing involving thrusting hip movements and a low squatting stance, commonly referred to as ‘twerking’. (N.B Recent ethnographic interviews in New Orleans suggest the term began as street language with the rise of local hip-hop music know as ‘Bounce’.) Encouraged by their peers, and driven on by the French musician’s used of the Laser Harp,  a number of on-lookers then performed a variety of dance acts which have subsequently been classified as ‘daggering’, ‘boosie bounce’, ‘wacky dip’, and ‘screetchie’. As a result, and in order to preserve the equilibrium of the Greater Houston area, we suggest a review of performance licenses which have recently been granted to Journey, Peter Frampton, and Kenny G. ‘

Old email celebrating 10 years of MySpace found in spam mailbox

A local man found a 6 month old email from Myspace whilst sorting out his spam inbox. It read ‘Thanks for supporting us on our journey. On our tenth anniversary, we want to thank you for helping us realize our mission in creating a more open, thoughtful world. We have connected so many people and it’s only just the start. The last 10 years have been amazing. The next 10 years will be….wait, wait don’t go away. Please finish reading before you put me in the trash.  Aww, come on guys, I have music. Great music. Lily Allen? You want Lily Allen? We got all the Lily Allen in the world. You want…Hello? Hello?’

Man in silver suit, painted face standing very still for money actually Robin Thicke

The man in the silver and grey suite with the glitter-sprayed face and trilby hat who spent the afternoon standing on a box without moving outside Poundland for a few coins was the award winning R&B artist Robin Thicke. ‘I like to observe people in their natural habitat,’ he explained ‘mothers running errands, boisterous teenagers hugging each other, local newspaper sellers with tantalising information on the latest injury at United. I find the urban landscape offers such a diverse smorgasbord of characters, situations and simple tet-a-tets that there really isn’t anywhere else I would like to be on a Wednesday afternoon.’

Four Tops now have more members of the Supremes than the Four Tops

Due to a quirk of fate on a cruise ship in Atlantic, the Four Tops now have more members of the Supremes than the Four Tops. The last remaining original member was unable to fulfil his signing duties while the mowtown quartet where regaling guests on the QE2. But the show must go on, and Adul ‘Duke’ Fakir pulled a few favours from his bosses in Stax and Diana Ross flew in to cover.