Police hunt @actonbell, @ellisbell for trolling @realcharlesdickens, @monsieurvictorhugo & @charlydarwin4real

A local police spokesperson said ‘We are investigating 3 women, possibly related, probably from the Hathersage area of Yorkshire, who have been causing havoc on the internet using the twitter handles @actonbell, @ellisbell and @currerbell. Their standard approach is to send a slightly mocking tweet to a well-know celebratory. If they respond, they are bombarded with tweets in order to make them loose their cool, which are then re-tweeted for maximum embarrassment. For example, @ellisbell tweeted Victor Hugo ‘Les miserables? Know the feeling mate.#BanBoringFrenchies’. He unfortunately replied, at which point @actonbell tweeted a made-up poll which showed that 73% of people think the ‘Hunchback of Notre Dame’ is autobiographical, and @currerbell tweeted a fake Huffington Post listicle entitled ‘9 Reasons Why Alexandre Dumas Outshines Victor Hugo’. His responses have unfortunately been read far and wide. You know, it’s amazing how a Frenchman can express himself in only 144 characters.  But he’s not the only one. Giuseppe Verdi (@soulboy69) was reducing to a quivering wreck and Richard Wagner (@theboss) has promised never to perform in England again. There’s been unfavourable changes to the Wikipedia page of George Elliot from @ellisbell, zero star reviews and snide comments on the Amazon page of ‘Pride and Prejudice’ from @currerbell, and you know that photoshopped picture of JMW Turner in an uncompromising position with Queen Victoria and Edgar Allan Poe that went viral a few weeks ago? It originated from @actonbell. And you do not want to see the twitter pic @ellisbell sent to @johnruskin. I can’t get it out of my head.’

Old email celebrating 10 years of MySpace found in spam mailbox

A local man found a 6 month old email from Myspace whilst sorting out his spam inbox. It read ‘Thanks for supporting us on our journey. On our tenth anniversary, we want to thank you for helping us realize our mission in creating a more open, thoughtful world. We have connected so many people and it’s only just the start. The last 10 years have been amazing. The next 10 years will be….wait, wait don’t go away. Please finish reading before you put me in the trash.  Aww, come on guys, I have music. Great music. Lily Allen? You want Lily Allen? We got all the Lily Allen in the world. You want…Hello? Hello?’

3D printer able to make printer which doesn’t paper jam ‘by 2016’

Shocked industry insiders came away from a recent trade exhibition in South Korea with plenty to think about. A local technology blogger explains why ‘The presentation showing the uses for 3D printers had the most interest from the delegates. However, no-one expected to hear what was announced – that in only a few years time 3D printers may be able to produce a printer which doesn’t paper jam 10 minutes before an important board meeting, that doesn’t need to be turned on and off several times just to print out one sheet of A4, and with a likelihood of the user being covered in ink after changing a cartridge of only 10%. I’m sceptical to say the least.’

To protect vulnerable children, Government propose filter of websites containing words ‘Coulson’ and ‘Brooks’

The Government recently released a white paper which details how they plan to protect the nation’s children from seeing damaging content on the internet. A spokesman recently explained some key proposals ‘We want impressionable young kids to see journalism and politics as something beautiful which involves consenting adults who love and respect each other, rather than some sordid activity that’s done just for money and fame. Therefore we are asking the Big 5 internet provides to filter out any Google or Bling searches for the words ‘Coulson’ or ‘Brooks’. To access these pages, you will have to prove you are over the age of 18 by providing a mobile phone number, your 4 favourite numbers and words, followed by any A-list actor you’ve slept with.’

Inventor of internet big fan of positive affirmations

Sir Tim Berners-Lee, widely regarded as the inventor of the World Wide Web, has been sharing some tips on how to get through the day with Psychologies magazine. ‘I often recite to myself 1,000 times before going to bed ‘The internet is a force for good. The internet is a force for good.’ I also attend a hypnotist several times a month. One of my favourite routines is where I imagine I am in a town with people browsing independent book shops whilst the sound of children playing in wooded streams drifts gently by, and where you can walk down the street without bumping into someone re-tweeting a Frankie Boyle joke on their mobile.  I have also recently started a course of neural re-programming. If for instance I hear or read the words, I don’t know, lets just say for the sake of argument online-bullying, misogynistic trolling or NSA, I put my hand in a glass of freezing cold water. This helps to stop any unwanted unpleasant thoughts arising through the realignment of my sensory perceptors.  Now I can get a few hours of fitful sleep a night and it’s usually only once a week that I wakeup shouting ‘Oh my god, what have I done?’