Disgraced Urugarian footballer Luis Suarez is actually a massive psychological experiment conducted by Facebook and Harvard University. A paper in the journal ‘Behavioural Studies and Morality’ explains how the social media giants created the South American superstar to see the effects of positive and negative stories on Facebook users status updates. A researcher explained ‘We wanted to test our theory that people respond to good news with positive status updates and vice versa. Hence we created a cultural icon who oscilates between two forms of extreme behaviour and monitored the results on Facebook. What surprised us the most, however, was that there was no relation between Luis breaching the cultural norms of society and subsequently experiencing rejection. Quite the opposite in fact. For example, we programmed him to racially abuse a fellow sportsman, and he found his image adorning t-shirts that were worn by his peers. Then we made him bite an opponent for the second time and within a year he was given a massive pay rise. Subsequently, there was a third biting incident which we blamed on gravity and Photoshop, and suddenly he is wanted by one of the most popular football clubs in the world. Most peculiar. It really has confounded all our theories on modern society.’
Latest World Cup News
Russian manager – ‘Would it be really cheeky to pick someone from the Crimea? It may be too soon for some but I have to start planning for Euro 2016 qualification.’
FIFA use ‘Hearts and Minds’ approach to defend Qatar World Cup award – ‘Over 500 poor Indian migrants have died building these facilities. How would their families feel if those stadiums never hosted a match?’
Organisers deny stadium shaped like an actual white elephant will become a metaphorical white elephant.
New report suggests the trade in illicit Panini World Cup stickers is now worth more than £10 billion, leading to an endemic gang culture with own it’s language (‘packing a piece’ means ‘I`ve got 3 Joe Harts’), insignia (a teardrop tattoo meaning ‘I`m having trouble getting Nigeria’s reserve left back’) and music culture (in the hip-hop song ‘Straight Outta Compton’, Ice Cube raps that he only needs to get the Canadian holding midfielder Compton Smith to complete all the teams in Group C, only to be told by Easy E that he had it the other day but swapped it with Dr Dre for Steve Hodge).
‘There’s far more to Brazil than most people realise’ said Carla de Faria, the Secretary of State for Tourism and Investment as I interviewed her in Rio. ‘We’ve got Michelin-starred restaurants, world-class museums, great hiking, and we hope that the World Cup will provide an opportunity for people to discover it for themselves.’ Mrs de Faria, who was born in the middle-class district of Rocha, which is only 10 miles from poverty-stricken favelas where street kids dream of becoming the next Pele, went on to say ‘For example, the Sao Paolo Museum of Modern Art is currently running a new reading of the curator Paulo Herkenhoff which features, amongst others, works by Mary Vieira, Alberto Teixeira, and Raul Porto, as well as an oil on canvas by Leopoldo Raimo and two works by Maurício Nogueira.’ I gazed past her, and saw local Cariocas flirting and enjoying a Caiprinha in a beach-side bar. The politician, who was educated at Oxford and Harvard and was clearly wearing nothing but a candy-floss bikini under her Chanel suit, unfortunately had to cut the conversation short. ‘I’m expecting the vice-President of Deutsche Bank here in 30 minutes and I have to prepare my presentation’ she said apologetically. As I left and drove to the airport, I felt great joy at having met my very own ‘Girl From Ipanema’.
Hours after Arsenal’s disastrous defeat to Everton, their major shareholder and Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov has called on the Foreign Office to act courageously and ban him from entering the country as a warning to Vladimar Putin. He said ‘The Government in England needs to send a message to Putin that his actions in the Ukraine are completely unacceptable. The best way to do this is to ban Russians such as myself from being anywhere near London. It’s not too much to ask is it, surely? Just from now until pre-season friendlies start again in July. I really won’t mind, honestly, I can go to a nice Caribbean island where they don’t have Sky Sports. Please do this for people in the Ukraine. And for goodness sake make sure it happens before the FA Cup Semi-Final on Saturday. ‘
Trending Webpages –
“He thought he was looking cool and tough. Guess who’s in for a surprise?” curated by Barack Obama
“This guy has just brought peace and prosperity to a forgotten land. When you see this you will feel warm and fuzzy inside” curated by Vladimir Putin
“He acted like it’s the 19th Century. See what happens when a well meaning father shows him the truth” curated by John Kerry
“This guy was faced with a tricky problem. The way he solved it instantly made him my favourite” curated by William Hague
“The struggles of being a woman in a male-dominated field summed up in a short comic” curated by Angela Merkel
Details have emerged of the phone call Obama had with Putin on Sunday night after Russia invaded the Ukraine. The President pulled out all the stops to overt war, offering his counterpart the opportunity to join computer club without having to pay the 50p subs, as well as the chance to sit with him, President Hollande and Prime Minister Rajoy on the back seat of the coach and have first pick on ‘Top Trumps’ when they go to the World Trade Organisation summit in Cancun. He also said that he could come round to his house for supper followed by a game of ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ on ANY day of the week, although he did add that Putin would have to leave by 8pm as he has to have a bath before going to bed. The Russian Premier was fine with this as his dad doesn’t like him to be out when it’s dark.
White House aids have been quick to defend accusations that the President should take a more hard-line response, with a spokesperson saying ‘Some House Republicans have suggested that we should send the 5th Fleet through the Bosphorus so that the 800 Division of the Navy Seals can be within striking distance of the Ukraine. To that, I would say that when the President offered Mr Putin first pick of any of David Cameron’s Panini football stickers, the Russian Premier replied ‘Any? Really? Even the shiny Liverpool badge?’ I think we will see a change in approach from the Russian military very soon.’
However, over the last few hours it seems that American optimism may be a little misplaced. A military researcher from the Brookings Institute said ‘Talks were advancing well until Mr Obama invited Mr Putin round on Sunday night to listen to the Top 40 chart countdown on Radio 1. Unfortunately, the President is a little protective of his new Hi-Fi, as it is his birthday and Christmas present for the next 2 years, and he told Mr Putin not to touch the CD player or fiddle with the graphic equaliser. This went down badly, and I fear it has led to the massing of tanks from 4th Guards Kantemirovskaya Division on the Crimean border.’
People in war-torn Syria have expressed surprise that so much is now being done by Western powers to stop the Russian invasion of Ukraine. A rebel fighter in Homs said ‘I’ve just read a tweet from William Hague that said he was having talks in Kyiv, have heard that the European Council has called on all parties to behave with self-restraint, and that Germany has suggested creating a contact group to open channels of communication. I can’t believe that these countries are making such difficult decisions and are putting so much on the line in order to make peace happen when they have done so little for us. Ah, what I would give now for the president of the European Commission to call on Assad to behave responsibly in order to reduce tension in the region. We can all dream.’