Street magician Fabio able to walk down the High Street without being hassled

The American street magician, card shark and endurance artist Diego Fabio shocked local audiences today with a breath-taking display of mind control. A pass-by said ‘He started here, where Primark is, and he walked to Boots over there, and not once did he loose his cool, throttle someone, or question long-held assumptions about the origins of life. First of all someone from ‘Water Aid’ approached and asked if he is upset about starving children in India having dirty water to play in, and he just nodded his head sagely. Then a slightly over-enthusiastic ‘Big Issue’ seller entered his personal space and he was able to hand over some change without breaking his stride. He just walked past the really loud drummer without feeling the need to grab him by the throat, shake him and ask what he’s doing with his life. He looked at the ‘Help For Heroes’ stall and didn’t ask them whether people fighting pointless wars for no obvious gain in places no-one has heard of really are heroes. Some Jehovah’s Witness were handing out leaflets explaining how God created the world and how He will lead us all to redemption, and not once did Fabio feel the need to articulate his long-held views on the Big Bang. Finally, he managed to avoid the guy with the clipboard with a beautiful, deft little shuffle. He was able to go into Boots with his head held high and he looked like he was actually enjoying walking around town. What a guy.’

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Grant Shapps tweets no-makeup selfie

A local political blogger wrote ‘The Conservatives are trying to re-cast themselves as a party of the people who are in touch with ordinary working folk. To do this, their party chairman recently tweeted and posted on Facebook ‘Here’s my #nomakeupselfie. Off for a game of bingo now. Hope no-one laughs at me!!#beatcancer’. This follows Michael Gove’s Sport Relief challenge to play croquet in his garden for all of Sunday morning and David Cameron’s Comic Relief pledge to go a full 48 hours without his au pair. They have so far raised £7.20.’

“Crimea held the most amazing election ever. You won’t believe what happened next” Curated by Vlad Putin

Trending Webpages  –

“He thought he was looking cool and tough. Guess who’s in for a surprise?” curated by Barack Obama

“This guy has just brought peace and prosperity to a forgotten land.  When you see this you will feel warm and fuzzy inside” curated by Vladimir Putin

“He acted like it’s the 19th Century. See what happens when a well meaning father shows him the truth” curated by John Kerry

“This guy was faced with a tricky problem. The way he solved it instantly made him my favourite” curated by William Hague

“The struggles of being a woman in a male-dominated field summed up in a short comic” curated by Angela  Merkel

Obama makes offer to Putin ‘Withdraw from Ukraine & you can use my brother’s soda stream, sit in the front seat when my dad drives us to Laser Quest & you can come along when we try to get into a “15” rated film’

Details have emerged of the phone call Obama had with Putin on Sunday night after Russia invaded the Ukraine. The President pulled out all the stops to overt war, offering his counterpart the opportunity to join computer club without having to pay the 50p subs, as well as the chance to sit with him, President Hollande and Prime Minister Rajoy on the back seat of the coach and have first pick on ‘Top Trumps’ when they go to the World Trade Organisation summit in Cancun. He also said that he could come round to his house for supper followed by a game of ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ on ANY day of the week, although he did add that Putin would have to leave by 8pm as he has to have a bath before going to bed. The Russian Premier was fine with this as his dad doesn’t like him to be out when it’s dark.

White House aids have been quick to defend accusations that the President should take a more hard-line response, with a spokesperson saying ‘Some House Republicans have suggested that we should send the 5th Fleet through the Bosphorus so that the 800 Division of the Navy Seals can be within striking distance of the Ukraine. To that, I would say that when the President offered Mr Putin first pick of any of David Cameron’s Panini football stickers, the Russian Premier replied ‘Any? Really? Even the shiny Liverpool badge?’ I think we will see a change in approach from the Russian military very soon.’

However, over the last few hours it seems that American optimism may be a little misplaced. A military researcher from the Brookings Institute said ‘Talks were advancing well until Mr Obama invited Mr Putin round on Sunday night to listen to the Top 40 chart countdown on Radio 1. Unfortunately, the President is a little protective of his new Hi-Fi, as it is his birthday and Christmas present for the next 2 years, and he told Mr Putin not to touch the CD player or fiddle with the graphic equaliser. This went down badly, and I fear it has led to the massing of tanks from 4th Guards Kantemirovskaya Division on the Crimean border.’

Syrian rebels jealous that Russia threatened with expulsion from G8 for invading Ukraine; ‘If only they had done the same with Assad we would have had peace years ago’

People in war-torn Syria have expressed surprise that so much is now being done by Western powers to stop the Russian invasion of Ukraine.  A rebel fighter in Homs said ‘I’ve just read a tweet from William Hague that said he was having talks in Kyiv, have heard that the European Council has called on all parties to behave with self-restraint, and that Germany has suggested creating a contact group to open channels of communication. I can’t believe that these countries are making such difficult decisions and are putting so much on the line in order to make peace happen when they have done so little for us. Ah, what I would give now for the president of the European Commission to call on Assad to behave responsibly in order to reduce tension in the region. We can all dream.’

World leaders impressed that Americans telling Russians not to invade Ukraine can keep a straight face

Politicians from around the world have praised the American diplomatic effort to stop the Russian invasion of Ukraine for being even-handed yet forceful, for being timely yet well-thought out, but mainly for John Kerry not falling about laughing when saying ‘You just don’t in the 21st Century behave in 19th-century fashion by invading another country on completely trumped up pretext.’. The Mexican president said ‘I like what the US is doing, the way they are treating Putin, but most of all I like the way how Kerry and Obama can talk as though they actually mean what they are saying. There’s no looking away from the camera, no covering of the mouth when speaking, no spluttering when giving a speech. Really very impressive.’

Community under threat as Starbucks, Frankie & Benny’s risk being turned into e-cigarette shops

Local representatives have warned about the threat to services and community cohesion as many of the shops and facilities in the area risk being turned into e-cigarette vendors. A local man, who was collecting money on the high street to support his local Tesco’s, said ‘We’ve got a great little community here, some great shops, over there we’ve got a Bella Italia, Yates’s and TK Maxx, next to that a Ladbrokes. But we’re coming under threat from these e-cigarette shops. Yeh dig deep love, it’s for a good cause. Sorry, where was I? Oh yes, they just come in and take over without thinking about the effect on us local people. What would we do on a Bank Holiday if there’s not a DFS Sofas round here? And if they dare to threaten our local Cash Converters, well that’s a red line as far as I’m concerned.’