Arsenal shareholder Alisher Usmanov asks Government to ban him from entering England

Hours after Arsenal’s disastrous defeat to Everton, their major shareholder and Russian oligarch Alisher Usmanov has called on the Foreign Office to act courageously and ban him from entering the country as a warning to Vladimar Putin. He said ‘The Government in England needs to send a message to Putin that his actions in the Ukraine are completely unacceptable. The best way to do this is to ban Russians such as myself from being anywhere near London. It’s not too much to ask is it, surely? Just from now until pre-season friendlies start again in July. I really won’t mind, honestly, I can go to a nice Caribbean island where they don’t have Sky Sports. Please do this for people in the Ukraine. And for goodness sake make sure it happens before the FA Cup Semi-Final on Saturday. ‘

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God surprised people christened ‘Richard’ still insist on being called ‘Dick’

God. The all-knowing one. The creator of all. The Divine Being. But there is one thing he doesn’t understand, which he explained to a local journalist today ‘Richard is a fine name. A fine, upstanding name. So why now, in the 21st Century, do people still shorten it to Dick? I’m fine with old-school 1950s entertainers, your Dick Van Dyke, your Dick Emery, even your Dick Whittington. But nowadays, your hard-nosed modern day business leader? Richard Law, chief transfer fixer for Arsenal, the man you want by your side when negotiations with a Bundesliga club turn tricky. Or Dick Law, easily confused with a low-grade low budget adult film? Richard Pound, former head of the World Anti-Doping Agency, the perfect networker and deal maker who gets things done. Or Dick Pound, accidentally mistaken for the star of a low-grade low budget adult film? And don’t even get me started on the American Footballer Dick Butkus.’